That Was Then -This Is Now
March 14, 2017, eight months ago yesterday, I went into surgery for a total thyroidectomy, the growth we discovered on the right side of my thyroid was cancerous. It was to be a relatively "easy" procedure. I was supposed to be home the next morning, a twenty-four hour stay. I'd have a little scar low on my throat, but that would be it. I'd seen a lot of people around town with the same scar I expected to see in the mirror from that day forward. Small price to pay for knowing the cancer was out.
Knowing what I do about anatomy, I never wanted this surgery, too many bits which are very important for living travel through the throat area. But refusing was not an option. I was already feeling tight in the throat with swallowing food or sipping beverages. Turns out the tumor was already stage two. Confirmation that sometimes circumstances make our choices for us.
I was supposed to pick up my life after a short recovery of about two weeks. Picking up life meant getting back to work, friends, and family all of which involved a lot of noise. In my work, I talked a lot. Helping people learn ways to "stay out of the healthcare system for as long as possible" was a big part of my treatment approach. In my family and friend group, we are a chatty people!! We make a comedy out of pretty much anything, and we commentate on just about everything...heckling the news, football, hockey, or each other are favorite past times. In our groups no one is safe, and nothing is sacred (in all the best ways)! We also love to cook and eat good food, sip good adult bev's and play loud music (so sorry neighbors!).
That's not the life I'd wake up to after surgery. When I woke up, I couldn't use my voice. I tried to ask for water, and almost nothing came out, my throat was on fire and breathing felt like I was suffocating...not in the lungs but the throat. The pain was more than I expected. Being unable to breathe normally and having an inaudible voice was never expected. But choking and coughing violently on saliva and tiny sips of liquid, that was shocking. I know anatomy, I know my body, and I knew something was very wrong. I repeatedly made it clear to all staff that there was a big problem. Repeating concerns, even when symptoms are apparent, sometimes goes unregistered by those providing care. It turns out reality is very subjective.
An overnight stay morphed into an epic "yard sale." Life slid well off the rail and to a degree remains that way today. Because the medical staff failed to acknowledge significant issues, the one night stay turned into one week and involved two ER visits, two hospital admits with IV fluids and lots of tests. One week after surgery I was finally home, in shock, feeling beat up in ways I'd never experienced, but YAY, I was back. I laid on the couch with some music to keep me focused on just breathing, be calm, just breathe "one minute at a time" I kept repeating to myself. Foy Vance's song, Guiding Light came on, I'd never heard it before. It cut straight to my heart, grief welled up from deep inside, I started to cry but couldn't, the sound and emotion were stuck, the throat pain spiked, and I couldn't breathe.
It's true that emotional grief can feel like physical suffocation of breath, but this was physical constriction preventing the expression of intense emotion. Home, with no voice, messed up breathing, eating meals that were a few small bits of chopped up food, and thickening all liquids. The tests confirmed what I knew to be true from my first post-op attempt to swallow...aspiration of fluids. That meant that if I drank, the liquid would go to my lungs rather than the stomach (not an option!). Mind overwhelmed I often thought...This can't be it...this can NOT be it! For now, I won't go into depth on the dark places, feelings, thoughts, images I've traveled during this experience. For now, let's just say that it's been and continues to be a wild ride. However, I'll share this from something I wrote in August; NOTE TO SELF:
Remember, you are what you believe, not what life circumstances would imply you ought to be. So, repeat as many times as it takes...
I am calm
I am internally clear
My nervous system is at ease
My cells are expanding with health
My cells vibrate at high frequency
My cells radiate healing light
My mind is calm
My body is relaxed
That was then. So what now? Damage to the nerve that operates structures that allow us to breathe, swallow and speak, that's what the deal was and still is. My voice, breath, and swallowing are not healthy/normal. My vocal cords don't work like normal ones anymore. While the right one is functional, my left vocal cord remains paralyzed, but we're working to change that. I'm happy to say that a few months ago I was retested and because that right one works I was cleared to drink liquid, Hallelujah, and cheers! ;-). Because of the practitioners I've worked with, swallowing has improved enough to eat with only occasional problems. My voice is a bit better but is still quiet, weak and has very limited endurance, (weird...my sons seem ok with that). Talking too much tightens the throat, makes the working cord as well as my throat and neck muscles sore. If I talk too much, I "pay for it" most of the next day, sometimes two days. For that reason, we don't eat out much (great for the budget), I can't talk in loud environments, and I only use the phone to make or change medical or therapy appointments. I use FB messaging and mostly texting. We had a blast experimenting with Android apps for text to speech...note to self...good party trick. Technology has been very very good to me :-)
I'm grateful for the improvements, the highly skilled treatment from my friends who also happen to be colleagues. I know that I have special friends and neighbors. Because of the places I've worked, I'm WELL aware of the many ways this could have been much worse.
Now, I'll share my go-to mindfulness meditations from two great philosopher's of my generation:
1. "Baby, life's what you make it, can't escape it, don't back-date it, celebrate it!" ~Talk Talk
2. "Stand in the place where you are... now" ~R.E.M
I may have woken up to a different life on March 14, 2017, but that doesn't mean it will be a bad one.
Thanks for being a witness to my little story!
Peace Be With You,
M
Knowing what I do about anatomy, I never wanted this surgery, too many bits which are very important for living travel through the throat area. But refusing was not an option. I was already feeling tight in the throat with swallowing food or sipping beverages. Turns out the tumor was already stage two. Confirmation that sometimes circumstances make our choices for us.
I was supposed to pick up my life after a short recovery of about two weeks. Picking up life meant getting back to work, friends, and family all of which involved a lot of noise. In my work, I talked a lot. Helping people learn ways to "stay out of the healthcare system for as long as possible" was a big part of my treatment approach. In my family and friend group, we are a chatty people!! We make a comedy out of pretty much anything, and we commentate on just about everything...heckling the news, football, hockey, or each other are favorite past times. In our groups no one is safe, and nothing is sacred (in all the best ways)! We also love to cook and eat good food, sip good adult bev's and play loud music (so sorry neighbors!).
That's not the life I'd wake up to after surgery. When I woke up, I couldn't use my voice. I tried to ask for water, and almost nothing came out, my throat was on fire and breathing felt like I was suffocating...not in the lungs but the throat. The pain was more than I expected. Being unable to breathe normally and having an inaudible voice was never expected. But choking and coughing violently on saliva and tiny sips of liquid, that was shocking. I know anatomy, I know my body, and I knew something was very wrong. I repeatedly made it clear to all staff that there was a big problem. Repeating concerns, even when symptoms are apparent, sometimes goes unregistered by those providing care. It turns out reality is very subjective.
An overnight stay morphed into an epic "yard sale." Life slid well off the rail and to a degree remains that way today. Because the medical staff failed to acknowledge significant issues, the one night stay turned into one week and involved two ER visits, two hospital admits with IV fluids and lots of tests. One week after surgery I was finally home, in shock, feeling beat up in ways I'd never experienced, but YAY, I was back. I laid on the couch with some music to keep me focused on just breathing, be calm, just breathe "one minute at a time" I kept repeating to myself. Foy Vance's song, Guiding Light came on, I'd never heard it before. It cut straight to my heart, grief welled up from deep inside, I started to cry but couldn't, the sound and emotion were stuck, the throat pain spiked, and I couldn't breathe.
It's true that emotional grief can feel like physical suffocation of breath, but this was physical constriction preventing the expression of intense emotion. Home, with no voice, messed up breathing, eating meals that were a few small bits of chopped up food, and thickening all liquids. The tests confirmed what I knew to be true from my first post-op attempt to swallow...aspiration of fluids. That meant that if I drank, the liquid would go to my lungs rather than the stomach (not an option!). Mind overwhelmed I often thought...This can't be it...this can NOT be it! For now, I won't go into depth on the dark places, feelings, thoughts, images I've traveled during this experience. For now, let's just say that it's been and continues to be a wild ride. However, I'll share this from something I wrote in August; NOTE TO SELF:
Remember, you are what you believe, not what life circumstances would imply you ought to be. So, repeat as many times as it takes...
I am calm
I am internally clear
My nervous system is at ease
My cells are expanding with health
My cells vibrate at high frequency
My cells radiate healing light
My mind is calm
My body is relaxed
That was then. So what now? Damage to the nerve that operates structures that allow us to breathe, swallow and speak, that's what the deal was and still is. My voice, breath, and swallowing are not healthy/normal. My vocal cords don't work like normal ones anymore. While the right one is functional, my left vocal cord remains paralyzed, but we're working to change that. I'm happy to say that a few months ago I was retested and because that right one works I was cleared to drink liquid, Hallelujah, and cheers! ;-). Because of the practitioners I've worked with, swallowing has improved enough to eat with only occasional problems. My voice is a bit better but is still quiet, weak and has very limited endurance, (weird...my sons seem ok with that). Talking too much tightens the throat, makes the working cord as well as my throat and neck muscles sore. If I talk too much, I "pay for it" most of the next day, sometimes two days. For that reason, we don't eat out much (great for the budget), I can't talk in loud environments, and I only use the phone to make or change medical or therapy appointments. I use FB messaging and mostly texting. We had a blast experimenting with Android apps for text to speech...note to self...good party trick. Technology has been very very good to me :-)
Now, I'll share my go-to mindfulness meditations from two great philosopher's of my generation:
1. "Baby, life's what you make it, can't escape it, don't back-date it, celebrate it!" ~Talk Talk
2. "Stand in the place where you are... now" ~R.E.M
I may have woken up to a different life on March 14, 2017, but that doesn't mean it will be a bad one.
Thanks for being a witness to my little story!
Peace Be With You,
M
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